samedi 3 mars 2018

Tuffi and polydipsia

Wuppertal, famed for the Pina Bausch dance company, is also home of the first suspended rail that was built and opened in 1901. In 1949 the town was looking to promote its ridership and hired the Althoff Circus to do a publicity stunt. A small female elephant was hoisted in to the train to show how safe this train was. The elephant, whose original name was Tarto, was thought to have panicked and smashed its way out of the cabin dropping 12 meters into the Wupper river. Tarto's name was changed to Tuffi, Italian for "dive" after this incident and the suspended rail became famous after this infamous incident.
When Tuffi died an autopsy was done which revealed the elephant suffered from polydipsia, a rare disease that shuts off the brain's understanding when one's thirst is quenched. Indeed, this elephant drank enormous quantities of water and when it was above the Wupper on that ill-fated summery day of the 21st of July 1950, it was not frightened by the wobbly steel structure that made screeching sounds as the elephant was forced in, but it, being just above the river, saw a flow of irresistible water that provoked her to spring for it.

dimanche 25 février 2018

The Codfather meets the Snowboard Queen

He was head of the New England fisheries
She was a defrocked gold medalist

He sold his fish for cash
Circumventing a complex system of cod quotas
Labeling the fish as Haddock

She was a snowboard specialist who loved speed and wax
In 1998 she was about to take the gold in the cross competition when
She grabbed her ski on the last jump
She grabbed it for show but
Wiped out getting
Snow in her mouth instead of Gold

Carlos Rafael, the Codfather, bragged in front of two IRS undercover agents posing as
Russian Mafia buyers
How he brought in tons of Cod and made millions selling them illegally.
He bragged and bragged thinking the IRS couldn't be so savvy as to hire Russians
To investigate a fish empire.
But he was wrong.

Lindsey Jacobellis, 12 years later, sitting in front of her house with her dog Gigi,
Knows that she ain't fishing for the gold no more but
There's a non-stop loop in her head and if it weren't for Denise
Her mental coach performance architect
She's be stuck in that race and the millions of mocking mails she received since.

Lindsey and Carlos met at the National Portrait Gallery
In front of the new portraits depicting former president Obama and his wife Michelle

Lindsey was looking at Barak's leafy background that appeared like an overgrowing texture
Ready to envelop the former leader of the free world

Carlos was looking at Michelle, his eyes were lost somewhere in her dress that
Any young tot would wish to hide under

Their eyes crossed and Carlos blurted "what a nice dress you have" even though Lindsey was wearing a skirt "If he ate more codfish I bet his hair wouldn't be so grey" he added.

Lindsey found Carlos funny. They went to a fish restaurant and shortly after, on his invitation, they
got on a plane to Pyeong Chang to see the 2018 winter olympics.


Knut Nystad is known as the Waxman. He heads a team of 30 Norwegian wax people who take
an oath to become invisible and inscrutable to the press and the public at large. Lindsey and the Codfather ran into the Waxman at a bar on Solbong-Ro street. It was bustling 'cause the weather was sub-freezing outside.

"Nobody complements a dishwasher for scrubbing clean a whole night's worth of plates" Knut insisted, "that's what makes us invisible." said Knut with a smooth Norwegian accent. Then he took out a q-tip, cleaned his ear and sucked it between his lips. From the bar Knut invites the couple to the multi-million dollar Norwegian wax shop. Inside, people are busy caressing the bottom of skis and the Codfather's eyes sparkle in front of the myriad of waxes. He is thinking of a way to fatten his cod by waxing them so they would stay warmer and burn less calories.

"Fish oil is good for outdoor clothes and Chinese umbrellas but I wouldn't think of waxing up them fish even for a competition." said Knut but Lindsey just laughed it off and said he was such a "good fellow."

Suddenly an alarm went off in the grinding room and everyone could feel the earth shaking as 230 North Korean cheerleaders marched by the shack. They were chanting and twirling in the minus 22 degree atmosphere and pulling 230 identical red carry-on bags.

Knut opened the door and immediately felt his nostrils fill with an exotic scent, so profuse, so exotic it took his brain a minute to cogitate what it was: it had a touch of earthly tar and a hint of a nuclear underground reaction with a tinge of torture room screams. And yet as those beautiful lipsticked girls marched and sang in unison in front of the wax shop, Lindsey stood spilling a drink she had brought with her from the bar as she stared at what she thought was Mrs Um and Mike Pence walking side by side. But what really surprised her was to see Lindsey Vaughn just behind the close-lipped couple with 20 or more photographers following her and taking rapid fire shots of the Olympic star.

dimanche 11 février 2018

Savage Winter Olympics

I spent the weekend listening to a sports broadcaster comparing the savage evolution of a yellow boxfish to a Toyota Yaris and a skeleton bobsled manned by a female Jamaican team only to learn that the angle of the blades of speedsters is offset by .85 degrees in order to accommodate a more gripping trajectory as the skaters spin around the ice at impossible speeds.

It is a Savage Winter Games
And if you feel like a quarantined Buffalo
Corralled at the airport waiting
To burst out of security of your nation

Then consider when 17 year old
Red Gerald won the gold medal in Slopesstyle
Winging so many twists and turns one feels dammed
To dig for what angelic, civilised thoughts
Must have been orbiting in this young lad's head

(Certainly not the Tesla propulsed by the Falcon Heavy
Into a solar orbit that won a gold medal in the eyes of
Push-button happy leaders)

And Red's beastly post-medal comment was
"I just wanted to land it"
His grinning coach beside him
His teeth going "a-ching!" as future green bills
Flipped before his pupils'

Still it is the Olympics that is known for twisting and turning
And what Olympian deserves higher accolades than
Huzuru Hanyu who with his
Pistol pose, hydroblading and signature Biellman spin
(With a generous foot posed over and behind the head)
Is considered the Skater of the Century!

Hanyu's flock of followers chuck Pooh Bears on the ice
Hanyu dips into a Pooh Box of tissues to dry his post
Performance tears

Some on the Alt Right taking out their Gaydometers claim
Hanyu is flaming
But for those who know him they see fearless effeminate feats
Transgressing style
Skating in the silence of the sublime

And even Winnie the Pooh
Walking around the snowy woods like a half-naked savage
Holding hands with Piglet and Christopher Robin
Never had us doubt that he knew where he was going to land.

mardi 2 janvier 2018

Hymn for a New Year (2018)

I wanna vaccine
For 2018

Not an antibiotic
That makes me myopic


And get a Sherpa
Whose got Omertà


To feel the blood
Throbing in my Aortà


To turn a leaf on my wife Bertà

And so when you tweet that I'm being a Tourist

Looking for cheap emotions to
Get my soul nourished

Then take a hike over Wall Street's
Golden Index $$$

And kiss a Genie full of Gimmicks


Cause I don't wanna step on any more frogs
When my pointed shoes
Would turn their skin blues

Now you're tweeting like a Pharaoh
Typing hieroglyphs at such a pace

That bone comes outta marrow

Tweeting like a Pharaoh
Cause you're jealous of a designer Italian

Now it's 2018
And I have an appointment for that Vaccine

That will burn all the daydreams

Like the one about Love
And Oatmeal
And Tangerines

If you have a beef about my horse whose name is
If you've painted a wall at the finishing line
And said "Eileen is MINE, MINE, MINE!"

Well I've got some Cabbage ready to reheat
Cause on top of the Everest
You need warm feat!(1)

(1) The poet has taken out a license to spell "feet" with an "A" for the double impacKT just as "KT" has added more impact to the word impact.

dimanche 10 décembre 2017

Trump and Bibi's gifts

After Trump's surprise announcement to move the embassy to Jerusalem, Netanyahu -Bibi- has tweeted back to the President that he is sending the Wailing Wall to Washington D.C. The Radiant Elephant Community is happy to release the following private tweets.

"You can do what you want with it" Bibi wrote to Trump, "you can even place it at your Marl-a-Lago golf club. You could charge an extra fee to have golfers practice choking down on their shaft to drive the ball over the 19 meter Western Wall. Get it? 19 meters, it was built in 19 B.C. that one meter for each B.C. LOL!" (@therealBibi)

"But they'll never hit it over the wall"

"That's the point: it'll be an exercise in frustration!"

"You're the man, Bibi! I'll invite all those sorry Dems and I'm gonna put 100 cutouts of nasty, wicked Hillary -that sore loser- along the wall and we'll print and stuff a million of her private emails into the cracks of the wall and have 'em drive my Trump balls from Marl-a-Lago to Jerusalem!"(@therealDonald)

"And add some groping clowns and Marl-a-Lago will be more popular than Graceland!"

Although the dismantling of the wall can take years experts say that most likely a replica will be built, sent over, and Trump won't know the difference.

New female film roles

After Lord of the Flies has successfully been recast using only young girls, a few other male producers have decided to remake films such as Rambo, Apocolypse Now, A Fistfull of Dollars,Seven Samurai and others, are taking the same approach. Here are a few scenes from the following rewritten films.

Humphrey Bogart in Maltese Falcon is recast with Miley Cyrus, a tough, attractive detective. When Spade (Miss Cyrus) meets Joel Cairo (Peter Lorre) who offers her $5,000 to find the black falcon, Spade starts twerking so fast that Cairo falls unconscious allowing her to go through his belongings.

Clint Eastwood, in A Fistfull of Dollars, will be replaced by Taylor Swift, who in the final dual scene will be sporting a Mexican poncho and two knitting pins in her hair. Taylor shoots and stabs the last of the Rojo brothers (Sieghardt Rupp played by Kate McKinnon) with a knitting pin through the neck. Then, puffing on an electric cigarette she counts the bodies that will offer her a handsome reward.

In Apocalypse Now, Marlon Brando who played Colonel Krunz is replaced by Beyonce, the queen herself. She bathes in a Dante's Inferno hot bath with soothing salts from the Heart of Darkness. Tension mounts until she forces Willard and other prisoners to bring intoxicating amounts of carrot and red beet juice. The juice has so affected Willard's skin (Willard is played by Lady Gaga) that she goes diving in the rat infested river looking for her telephone. Then she gets out, punches Krunz's 6 pack belly, breaking her nails and yelling 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, you're an ugly, mean bitch!"

Ramba, played by Katy Perry, returns to a small town in the state of Washington after spending 10 years competing on TV baking shows. She goes to see an old pastry chef friend only to find out that he had died from a rare form of bacteria caused by using massive doses of whip cream. She feels riddled with guilt knowing that this was the first man who taught her how to whip an egg. In a diner, she runs into a sheriff Will Teasle (Brian Dennehy is replaced by Aidy Bryant) who is balling out a waitress (now a waiter played by Kevin Spacey) because he/she dislikes the lemon meringue pie. Ramba gets ups and stuffs the remaining pie down the sheriff's throat. A thrilling chase scene ensues where Ramba, (Miss Perry sporting a camouflage miniskirt) runs to the woods. The following scene is perhaps the greatest woman hunt chase scene in film history: officers and helicopters in the hundreds swarm to catch or kill Ramba but, using her advanced pastry skills she takes them down one by one. Finally, the helicopter with sheriff Teasle spots her and just as Teasle points her M16 to shoot her (the scene is in the dark but the officers have infrared gear), Ramba pulls out a giant canister of whip cream and from 20 feet shoots a wad into the face of the pilot causing him to loose control and crash in the burning forest.

More films are certainly to follow such as Dirty Harry which will be called Dirty Harieta and Death of a Salesman now Saleswoman.

lundi 4 septembre 2017

Is my sponge cake spongy enough?