vendredi 26 décembre 2008

Snowy solar panels

Driveways and sidewalks in the winter take on another allure and surely we can thank all those pumping hearts who have heaved shovelful after shovelful of white fluffy snow while braving freezing conditions. And from the time of Charlie Chaplin or before cleaning snow could earn you a nickle as long as you don't just throw it in front of the neighbor's yard!
Today, with the advent of solar panels only the few "low lying" installations are easily accessible for cleaning (and of course just one square inch of snow can shut down those timid electrical cells), and most are hard to get to.

Fortunately, there are newly conceived specially made shoes that enable one today to adhere to the most slippery surface and clean panels at even the highest heights without the slightest risk of falling from high structures be it in Alaska or Nevada -you never know when a freak snowstorm can hit.
However, it is recommended to stay away from electrical devises such as vacuum cleaners to clean the panels; traditional shovels, brooms or squeegees are more than apt for the job. Other solar innovations such as solar jackets, solar bags or solar bicycles need common sense during wintry months: a brush here, a wipe there, and those little panels will be back humming again.
More problematic, it seems are wind turbines ejecting frozen chunks of snow onto bystanders, cows and other creatures.

Here a Hulk figure was passing just under a turbine when he got hit with a lump of snow and went ape against a normally passive Red Devil dinosaur. The FTTWAP is now actively studying

the problem of snow ejections from wind turbines and hopefully a sound solution will blow this way in the near future. All suggestions are welcome.

dimanche 21 décembre 2008

Lithium and Lithuania

Lithium (pronounced /ˈlɪθiəm/) is a chemical element with the symbol Li and an atomic alkali with a silver-white color and it can be cut like a stick of butter.

On a good day it is the lightest metal and the least dense solid element on the face of the earth. Like all alkali metals, lithium is highly reactive, corroding quickly in moist air to form a black tarnish. For this reason, lithium metal is typically stored in vats of cooking oil. When cut open, lithium exhibits a metallic shine, but contact with oxygen quickly returns it back to a dull silvery grey color. Lithium is also highly flammable especially when in contact with bossa nova music which is considered at the antipode of ancient raudos funerary chants.

Today lithium is exploited for its properties in batteries.

And although it was abundant at he time of the big bang, this metal today is relatively rare and is mostly produced in the north of Lithuania

near the site of the holy cross -and where the raudos chants originated

and deer territory
Specially constructed Lithuanian storage facilities have been built. In their characteristic yellow each building can store enough lithium batteries to generate over a million cell phones, 200,000 GPS tracking systems and 100,000 portable computers. The entire building is fitted with one plug to recharge all the batteries.

Worries of a lithium shortage are beginning to be heard with the advent of electric cars and bikes the demand is getting so strained that all eyes are on Bolivia's Salar de Uyuni. But as most chefs know, mixing salt and lithium is no regal recipe.

mardi 16 décembre 2008

Shoes and diplomacy

The manner in which diplomacy is executed has been changing rapidly. Here is a manual to offer the necessary tools to succeed in politics.
Filling a senate seat is now worth negotiating into the millions even though few stand to gain. We recommend the FYl425 shoe horn. Compact, solid, it follows a straight trajectory and you can use it over and over until the candidate offers to cough up the extra millions.

Need to fill a seat in the orient? The FYl425A is a winner! Slightly bowed in a katanas tradition, this shoe horn can is guaranteed to get results without the risk of blood and can easily double as a wide chop stick. The FYl429 and FYl429A should be employed only in small countries that are looking for temporary appointments. They can be flung with ease and nicely concealed but are inappropriate for filing seats of monarchy or royalty.
For more difficult diplomatic situations such as global warming agreements, it is necessary to move up to shoe trees. Only wooden shoe trees have the caliber to break long standing stalemates and impasses that can sometimes last years. Regarding coal emissions we consider the GO3001 (the model in the middle) to have sufficient conviction to shatter the hubris of countries who want to protect their own interests. The GO3002 -on the left- has been proven effective to get all sides to obtain joint rectification on hydrofluorocarbons in record time. Depending on the proficiency of the user, the GO3002 can have a range of over 20 meters making it appropriate for large convention halls.
The Go3003, on the other hand, should be used for those intractable conventions where even the framework is disagreed on. With a range of over 25 meters and the ability to open up on impact discords on CO2 have evaporated in seconds.
Lastly, when it comes to war and peace and dealing with heads of state, as recent events have proved, nothing beats the old standard shoe which can be thrown either from the heel or the toe. Although some negotiators have a sworn preference for l980's models stating that the tassels have and aerodynamic advantage, so far this has not been proven in clinical tests and success has been achieved with models going back to the 50's to today. Although the shoe remains the most effective tool in today's diplomacy it is challenged by the fact that it has a range of just over 10 meters and it takes much greater mastery to use compared to previous models mentioned.

Therefore, before undertaking strategic positioning, warming up is ever important and if one aims to be an esteemed and honored politician in the line of a skilled James Baker or Tony Blair, please don't forget S & R's Muscle Rub Miracle cream. Remember to apply sparingly and rub behind the shoulder blade to get best results.

mercredi 10 décembre 2008

Come party!

You are invited to Milton's 400th birthday pa-pa-par-ty
Where: in Eden
What to bring: anvils, hammers, chains;
A revolving door of new ideas
An ice pack for Lucifer
and an itouch for Adam (who would like to flick Eve with his fingers)
Dress: Cometh as yea are -flesh to flesh, bone to bone
Feareth not the plunge of the fallen angel
For Lucifer will catch him!
Hasten before the party's spirit burns out
Let the weak be smitten
And God create what he has left out.

samedi 6 décembre 2008

loosing teeth

We pull; the tooth has the power to hang on by a thread
We tug; what dangles delivers the spirit the final challenge
An action taken by the self and no other.
Chew or chomp, brush or floss
our mouth is a sea of mutability
Laugh or cry under the heavy pliers
Eyes riveted and the tongue
like a snake, searching for that gap
From Babylon our milky teeth sail
Under the watchful guidance of the silver moon.

mardi 18 novembre 2008

Somali Hijacking

Somali pirates have astounded the world community by hijacking their largest prey yet: the island of Greenland is being hauled towards their coasts at this very moment and the ransom promises to be very large.

The pirates, numbering around 30, used anchors from Godthab to Storebysund to haul in their prize.
Climatologists are blaming global warming for Greenland being adrift but the Nunaaters (the land of Greenlanders), and government officials are also blamed for being taken unaware.
Although negotiations are underway for the island's release, the world community is shocked by this latest show of Somali pirate audacity.
Furthermore, rumors have it that the next target may be Alaska. When and how such savagery will come to an end is the question.

jeudi 13 novembre 2008

An applethought

It was an automn day, the light slightly faded and we were in our favorite apple field. Both of us were thinking of making compote; a tree's branch was dangling two spheres with symmetrical longing just before us. For a long while we were standing and thinking hard because the last time was a good year ago that anyhow I remember, making one from 5 sorts of apples; a tad of cinamon and sugar and boy was it delicous!
But this year, although you cannot see it, there was a trench that was dug in the ground, forbidding us to make our way to our favorite tree. That's why we're standing for a long time... would one of those apples fall off and roll all the way to us? Nothing was certain and for my mate and I, the conundrum didn't make our desire lighter yet just for a moment, with the ebbing of the light, a breeze changed direction and the air filled with the perfume of apple.

dimanche 9 novembre 2008

19th Century Car Wash

I came upon a dying man who whispered to my ear
before I leave this splendid planet I want you to write what to me was most dear
"In my youth I worked in a car wash" he said in his trembling voice as I listened,
"It was a work in heaven: I sprayed, I sudded, I buffed 'till I felt me arms no longer
and sometimes I cursed when a leaf would fall on a newly cleaned windshield! I traveled the world washing cars from the Dead Sea to the Himalayas, I did self-service, full service and "scrub an' jub", something in between. I often saw rainbows thanks to the high pressure spray and of course I met my wife at a car wash, a fall afternoon in l967, she rolled in an Oldsmobile that we had so many good times in. Sure my hands rubbed in grit, bird droppings and even acid stains but we was outside, in nature, like next to a forest I couldn't 'ave been better; working and talking all day!

There were times the old man repeated himself and at times his voice faded to where I could only hear "arewah" and "udds" but then he got very excited in speaking about a spot where he worked in the mountains, "It was in Alaska and our water was laced with antifreeze, the work was hard but the pay good. One day a colleague kicked a frozen sludge formation under the tire and he shattered 3 toes like it were porcelain."
The day was coming to an end and I promised to man to put it down on my blog which is what you have before you. May he rest in peace.

lundi 20 octobre 2008

Alternative transportation

There is good news on the horizon: taking from technology of the 1670's when Francis Lama thought up the use of copper vacuum balloons, Alitalia, which has been in a financial turmoil has decided to sell it's fleet and buy into an old form of air transport.

These vacuum balloons with a few modifications are capable of transporting sizable freight such as bananas which are resistant fruits

or animals that have trouble migrating to parts of the planet that are over urbanized.

In case of a major incident an escape hatch is available for people that will allow all passengers to survive.

The Alitalia Flyng Ship will be equipped with the latest in recycling technology such as ice boxes, composting toilets and recycled ziplocks -for an extra charge.
Flights will not be equipped with movies but courses on subjects such as "What to do when your spouse is emitting gases?" or "Carborexic? 10 steps to joy and satisfaction" will be offered.

jeudi 16 octobre 2008

Mandela Rabbits

On Robben Island where Nelson Mandela spent years of his life in prison, thousands of brown rabbits have been congregating to protest the presence of black and white rabbits on the mainland.

The rabbits are threatened by local authorities because their pellets are seen as a denigration to the historical site where Mandela delved in law books and ate some of the very lepus capensis in question.
A rabbitspeaker remained intransigent: "those black and white rabbits are eating all our carrots and making dens in the most fertile soil. We want equal rights to the land now and not later!"
Calls to speakers of the black and white rabbit colony were left unanswered.

jeudi 9 octobre 2008

Honey Time

With the subject of foreclosure again buzzing in our ears some creative inner city kids have stormed to creating an activity that is popping across state lines: the making of honey! Today whether you are in L.A.'s South Central, Watts or in Detroit's Brightmoor district you can savor the quality of inner-city Honey. The following is a list of 10 brands that made our review, however we are looking forward to receiving new candidacies especially from abandoned housing areas where bees are now proliferating.

l. Sure Shot Honey -an untwisted, honed honey appreciated by Toy Cops and timers up north that goes with the tuff. Despite a slight tar and rubber aftertaste this blend tells the truth like no other.

2. Assed Out all Flowers Honey - A honey whose taste will catch you by surprise, l00% hood.

3. Scrub'n Scratch Honey -Rich in cardboard nutrients and traces of colorful graffiti. A honey for athletes looking for a natural boost.

4. Ak Eucaliptus 47 -A honey with a cool, smooth metal taste, loaded with G-train antioxidants and antimicrobial properties.

5. Bum-Rush Honey -Made exclusively in abandoned lots and with bees benefiting from the elements of crashed parties, this clockin' punchy honey has an elaborated taste.

7. Phat Parley Pops Honey -A waxy yet deep tasting honey that is quick to digest before the cops arrive.

8. Krunky Honey -A good time honey whether you're on a mission or a newjack on the street you'll appreciate this brand that you can't xerox: an original!

9. Crackin' Crab Honey -A honey with attitude and a cold knock feel to be respected; a unique blend from Bed Stuy and Watts.

10. Ace Honey -This honey's amazing stickyness will protect your back, keep your stomach flat and fight off intruding bacteria. A honey well worth its price!

samedi 4 octobre 2008

Ice Cube Donnations

The experiment at the CERN, which was supposed to give us insight and understanding on how the universe originally formed, was a short lasting success. Particle beams were launched at speeds nearing that of light (or OJ Simpson running from the police) and a telltale bleep was detected on a screen after traveling the 27km underground centrifuge in .95 nanoseconds.

However, a few days later a rise in temperature (the Hadron collider's magnets need to operate at near absolute zero or 272°C or 458°F° -the Cern facility is the largest fridge in the world and it gets so cold down there penguins are specially trained to install and repair equipment), shutting it down. The picture below shows a Cern penguin being decorated for its contribution to Science.

At present the project is halted because the city of Geneva refuses to allow Cern to use all its energy. We are therefore making a public call for ice cubes in the hope that if enough is donated to fill the 27km Hadron tunnel, this experiment may resume and the origin of our universe finally be understood.

Home Heating

With concern of rising feul prices home owners are opting more and more for a novel way to heat their habitacle: stuffed solar powered buffalos. Buffalos, by their mere stature and furryness, already offer warmth to the eye of even the most frivolous bipeds and now thanks to a new company called Solarbuff, one buffalo can heat between 500 and 700 sq feet of space. A truely new approach? Not really, as it turns out in some areas buffalos have been heating abodes for centuries. Archeological remains in Montana show that these creatures were filled with coal and the smoke would come out of their mouths and ears. "No longer suffer and pay high feul bills" says Bill Barney, a Solarbuff rep, "one buffalo heater in the living room and your children will be romping in a warm, ecological environment for years to come."

mardi 23 septembre 2008

My battery went dead and so did Time

It can happen like that!
It can happen to anybody
A moment of distraction or inattention and
You leave your car beeping
The lights on
The radio clanging
And when you return to slip your key in the ignition
You are confronted by a deadening sound: nothing

It is not as if your battery had been stolen
-which in New York happens more that often to the point
where I put my picture on my car's battery with thumb print and chain;

It is a yearly event to some or a ritual that hurls one into a panic
Seeking jumper cables and someone with the grace of heart who
will be willing to give you that JUMP!

And so on September l7th almost a year to the day of my last dead incident
it happened: my new-used Citroen Picasso wouldn't start.

At first with confidence I made my way to find cables and a colleague who had already helped me last year. But then upon opening the hood the trouble began: there was no battery! No it wasn't a case it being stolen but of a French engineer who somehow had the idea of not placing the battery near the engine. Still I tried with an impulse that was almost genetically traced to connect the cables to what might appear to be a plus (+) or minus (-) symbol.
To my surprise the cables sent fiery sparks into the air but I insisted with 19th century Frankenstienien ardor, wanting, insisting to create and transfer LIFE to my CAR! But when the cables began to melt down a hideous thought became me that was too late -for I didn't check the owners manual and now it would be seconds that my new old car would be a fireball.

By some miracle, now we were four surrounding the hood, a light-footed lady suggested to clip a wire to a most uncommon appendage, and vroooooom, the car started.

It started and my joy was beyond the summits of the Mer de Glace but then horror became me: the entire computer system went back to it's birth: January 5 1999. How could this be? My life was contorted to face the truth of that day.

And so, on a partly cloudy 73 degree cloudless sky, when the G3 Apple Towers went translucent 2 years before 9/11

When Jupiter did the twist with large cloud systems rotating, due to the collision of two oval hurricanes,

When a Sumu competition in Atlantic City was canceled and people fretted over the dawn of the Millenium,

When a 1200 sq foot Lower East Side apartment was sublet for $l675,
And a photo of Pinochet was published on his way to a London court

It was also time for another confrontation with the senate impeachment trails of President Clinton for perjury and obstruction of justice,
"We have a constitutional duty here, it's a very serious one, it's one that we must carry forward, and we will do our very best to do that duty in the proper way ... (as) God gives us the light to see that way," said Lott, a Mississippi Republican

It was four days after the Euro was introduced and seven days before Britney Spears released her debut album and that day a French law that forbade vegetable oil from being recycled without a receipt -don't talk about smokeless bars yet! was enacted.

And we saw 6 $300,000 missiles were fired at Iraqi war planes that flew into the 'no fly zone' below the 33rd parallel and all of them missed.

As well as the new 'Manual of Indulgences' or Enchiridion Indulgentiarum is a hardcover English edition of the 1999 Enchiridion Indulgentiarum published by the Holy See.

That punishment or the vestiges of sin may remain to be expiated or cleansed and that they in fact frequently do even after the remission of guilt(8) is clearly demonstrated by the doctrine on purgatory. In purgatory, in fact, the souls of those "who died in the charity of God and truly repentant, but before satisfying with worthy fruits of penance for sins committed and for omissions (9) are cleansed after death with purgatorial punishments

On the 5th of January l999 deputy Mayor Gillooly presented the Employee-of-the-Quarter plaque to Mr. Joyce, along with a watch and a second plaque which will be on display in City Hall. He expressed his appreciation and congratulations to Mr. Joyce for his efforts.

And a Mexican inspired candy bar arrived on the shelves of an Arizona 7-11.