dimanche 22 février 2009

Troisieme sous-sol

As we flock to ski resorts in search of white fluff where we can expedite our hips in
swerving directions, the dire task -before negotiating slopes and frenzied down hillers-
is to find a lodging. And so clicking with confidence I found the reasonable find, 10 snowmen from the chairlift with a recycling pit for clear, brown and green glass nearby.
Size did not matter since we knew it had 4 beds but a surprise sent a snowflake down our spines when we saw it had no real windows! This charming studio we rented turned out to be a 3rd floor underground with the boiler above us churning to heat the entire post-card chalet. So astutely designed it did provide the most magnificent view of a sunflowerin full bloom under a halogen lamp. For 7 days and 7 nights a message of hope and lightness of spring countered the rudeness of winter, the laden roofs that threatened passersby and even those enjoying a drink or a bite seemed miles away.

But maybe the real story was my recent discovery of diclofenac, a wondrous cream that I could rub into my jolly arthritic knee; enabling my body to take to the slopes in a non-truculent fashion, down the darkest, black escarpments, challenging the parabolic paradigm of two boards on two legs!

Indeed, everyday I rubbed and smeared that white substance of envy, and boldly gaited to a fair chairlift to take me up heaven's way,

Until one day I learned with disgrace that my arthritic intermezzo was at the cost of an expiring species: the vulture. It was simple: having leafed through the "unpleasant effects" of the above mentioned molecule, it appears that for those who choose to depart this world on a Tower of Silence, where the body is lain to be naturally devoured by vultures, these later

mentioned creatures of the sky are plummeting stone dead due to this molecule that attacks their livers. Nay, nay! to such a cream that disrespecteth the ritual of the dead;

and so I hang my boards and switch on the TV to watch an avalanche of bad news and dwindling economies, except for a lucky few such as Nestle, who, against all odds, are selling more chocolate in 2009 than ever before.

lundi 9 février 2009

Peanut Highway to Heaven

Since the salmonella outbreak has contaminated the American food chain and millions of peanut products and by-products are being recalled, one Arizona road builder has come up with the idea of using it in their asphalt. Tests show that that adherence, especially in wet weather is increased threefold compared to conventional asphalt topping. Although some drivers find the khaki hue off-putting, Arizona-phalt says that these "peanut-ways" will revolutionize the highway system and thanks to their pleasant odor birds keep them cleaner than traditional highways.

To attest to this enthusiasm a former peanut worker from Georgia was quoted to say "I love working for Arizona-phalt. Back in Georgia I had to follow 79 rules, 79 steps before I could even put my foot in the production line. Now it's just one step: show up to work and push that barrel that creams the butter right into the tar. I feel good about myself, I feel good about America,and" waving his extended hand, "I'm taking that salmonella crap out of the system."
Arizona workers preparing to smear peanut butter onto highway 66

dimanche 8 février 2009

Postal reforms

In this day and age of tough times and far-reaching reforms, President Obama has announced to go further than the state of Utah's 4 day a week federal employee program. Citing that "we are entering an age of necessity" postal workers will now be asked to work a 24 hour shift, one day a week. Postal employees will be encouraged to do exercise on their days off to deal with the heavy loads that they will be faced to carry. Studies are on they way to increase mailbox size which would creat 20 million jobs over a period of 10 years.
The reform is meant to save millions and millions, from infrastructure usage to energy savings to shoes that will need to be replaced less often. Customer and employee satisfaction will increase because people will appreciate more getting their mail (bills will get paid at a later date) and dogs will be less stressed attacking intruders. "I have a lot more time at home" said Joe the postman, "people now look at me with a different eye, like I really mean something to them" he added, while peeling a pound of carrots for a soup. Although the police has, for the moment, been exempted from such reforms, legislators are looking at ways to go to 4 days a week since crime on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays is very slow.

mardi 3 février 2009

The jalapeno draft-buster

The giant jalapeno ebbed its way (by itself) towards the door.
There it would take its sacred place, a place were few currents have known to pass
and benefiting from its pungent, firey soul

block all cold air that may fit under the door!

But this giant jalapeno as it turns, isn't only destined to warm a house or apartment:
due to the uniqueness of its size, shape and ardour,

Frigid couples who have had years of icey drafts settle between them
have been grabbing them up by the thousands to replace marriage counselors
And though such success should catapult the jalapeno door mat
to Star porportions
dangers abound for
when not watching, either in the early or late of day
this tender svelt pouting pillowed prankster
will not hesitate to trip a homeowner or tenant
and falleth he or she may down the cold abyss of a stairwell
All warm affection is short circuited
and pain descends into the bones.