dimanche 30 décembre 2012

Friendship Prison

"Why have you not a friend? What Friend Game or Frenemy are you playing?"
With these words from the Warden I stiffly moved through the corridor to serve
Five years in Friendship Prison.

                                               Train taking me to Friendship Jail

I was guilty. I committed Friend Crime. (Less than three friends, the sentence was harsh.)
Doctors said I could be trigger happy.
But when I told the guard in Friendship Prison
My Mate killed his Mom despite having Four Friends and a Best Friend
I got slapped in the face.

The first weeks were tough:
I had to walk in the courtyard for twenty minutes holding hands 
Then my blood pressure was taken and if it was still high I needed to hold hands for another twenty.

My new friend was Bromio.
He waxed a mustache and wore jeans pulled above his flat hips.
When his dog died (which counted half a friend) a Friendship Drone picked him up.
I didn't trust him.
He said he milked cows but his skin was too smooth for my liking.

Once a week I have psychological tests.
I'm shown ink blotches that resemble guns and my blood pressure is checked to see if it goes up.
After two months I was caught for talking about my divorce and gossiping.
Divorce talk is against Code and one gets another year for that.
Gossiping is punished by Friendship Confinement
You have to spend one week in a cell with five Mates
Holding hands and playing games is obligatory
No sex, of course.
And once a day there is the hotdog. The guards hand you a hotdog and each night, with a different Mate, you have to eat it from both sides. No kissing and the cameras are there.

Then I got in more trouble: I made a poster with six guys holding hands with an orange sunset as the backdrop. I unfortunately used the word "teamwork" and that was on the black list.
"Mutual affection, trust, sympathy or empathy would have done it, maybe even gotten me on Friendship Parole or Friendshipbation, whatever, it just didn't happen; wasn't in the cards.


It's now year six. I've made eight new friends but I have to go through a series of Friend Tests to see if they conform to regulations. I'm feeling good about it. I heard, thanks to this program, the Crime Rate in America has dropped to zero, homicides included! Maybe when I get out I'll apply to become a Friend Police Officer. Or just a dog trainer.

vendredi 21 décembre 2012

A schoolhouse story

I thought its been a Merry Christmas at Armalite Where I've been working for 15 years
Sure I remember putting together my first Colt AR 14
And thinking My family My wife who
 is an invalid Shot at the age of 22
And my 9 and 10 year old

Now They will eat more than grits
Now They will protect themselves with more than Slingshots

 When I started It was the pistol Grip
 A somewhat simple piece yet without it the trigger would lay dormant
 I tended to to it with passion until I was needed for the collapsable stock
 True I was challenged by complex parts Parts that only went

  Click and Chick 

When the fit was down to the millimeter
It makes a sound Similar to The detachable magazine


And with that the ears resound with goodness
 After 5 years I got moved up In charge of Grenade launchers
 That year I afforded 33 Christmas Presents without pulling my belt
 A bayonet for Lee made him cry with joy!
A night viewer for Margaret was her best ever toy!
 But this year in a Flash It seems my life has changed
There's talk of suppression Jobs at Armalite are at stake
Some blame it on Newton And that bloody massacre
 Still here in Illinois There is cheer in the air In the marketing department
Now I am In charge of communiqués I wrote:

"ArmaLite will stop processing shipments to customers at noon, Thursday December 20st through January 2nd due to year end inventory. Shipments will resume on January 3rd. ArmaLite will be closed Dec 22nd through Dec 25th for the Christmas Holiday Due to limited supplies of AR10 and M15 magazines quantities will be limited to 2 per customer until further notice"

Was the last one I wrote today and
Then I got my final notice "Thank you for your 15 years of service."

dimanche 9 décembre 2012

Warlus in Wonderland

Unblemished in her hourglass frame
Whiskers blooming                       The Walrus thought:
Take another oyster-mullusk-steam shell
Wrap my lips over it                    And
suck the vivid contents...             Out!

"Adding a few stones?" said the Rabbit
Its nose sniffing the cold air as he quickly approached Walrus on the beach
Then it blew some smoke out from a walnut pipe
and jiggled its bum
in deep thought down to its tripes

One may say the Moon is lighting the shore
He's given me the go for my gut
With Christmas on the horizon
I'm eating everything from shells to halibut
Thank God for my corset! (Pronounced "corsut")

"But you are lovely, you are!" cheered the Rabbit
(Whose secret desire for blubber made him pant all the faster.)
You move with Grace
Your steps bewilder
And few on this continent have such an appealing, whiskered face!

That is gallant of you, Mr Rabbit
True, I don't take drugs
I despise thugs
My only weakness is my tight laced whalebone accoutrement
That keeps out the bugs

Tell me Mademoiselle Walrus
This is the season of              Cheer
Name any wish for these festive occasions
Any desire that knows no ration
It will be yours

There is one thing now if you propose
Promise not to renege       One never knows
My cousin in Australia a Camel rides every day
Such a present
Is better than a cheese tray!

You shall have you wish! Hooted the Rabbit
Just grant me one promise
He said as he pointed his nose up at hers
You must side-saddle, ignore these latest trends
Any other position will give me the bends.

At those words there was a shift in the sweet, round Walrus eyes
Fire kindled faster in her belly that a 100 oyster dives
In one swift move she seized the Rabbit,
Breaking its neck with its long tusks
She said: "Toot, toot" and arched her bust, walking off into the dusk.