dimanche 14 juin 2015

The Hot dog Vendor's Practical CV (Inspired by A Confederacy of Dunces)

You are the one who navigates a cart full of dogs
Dogs and drinks and foodstuffs
Rolling, gliding beef and pork and complex sugars
Over a complex urban network

Today -but not the first day- you circumvent potholes
And drainless puddles that accumulate mostly during
Winter months
Yet your mind remains fixed on the types of buns, sauces,
Cole slaw and drinks that you have set out
This and every early morning

A mission of sorts that takes 40 minutes to get to your
A corner where some people still try to sell single cigarettes
Along the journey you rehearse some of your clients' first names and by their favourite
Topping or drink

Some have such accents that you strain to
Understand through the smoke and the sizzle of your
Skewer but their hand, their gesture makes everything clear

Today, a hint of tendonitis lingers in your upper left
You wonder but know it's from the miles of serpentine lines of
Mustard that you so expertly spread every month, every year
You know how to get the mustard to stop flowing in a snap!
Whipping up the arm all while with the right hand you crack open another
Refreshment can with the index finger

Rain or sun you sell those hot dogs it's, it's
More than just a transaction
It's a moment of awe when a
Customer sinks his teeth into a
Bun and you can almost hear
The juices howling
The dog skin cracked
Steam streams up your client's sinus the
Mustard is liberating

You chuckle then smile freeing your
Stomach that has been pressed against the cart
With your wet rag you clean it for the 100th
Time this day

Always impeccable
Always shining
Always moving

Fast like your idol, Mohammed Ali
You know you can catch the cascading sweat drop
Cascading from your forehead
Catch it with the hanky in the left hand while
The right hand is adding cabbage and returning a customer's change
With a  movement that resembles that of an airborne dancer.

The Blataro Institute of Higher Bribing

We all know that Sepp Blattaro’s days with FIFA are nearly over as he has extraordinarily single
handedly decided to step down and new elections will be held in the next few months.

Rumor has it that Mr Blattaro has been negotiating with Nord Angler, a consortium of schools, to open up next fall the first Sepp Blattaro Institute of Higher Bribing in Lausanne.

The Radiant Elephant Community has been privy to learn some courses in the college’s curricula:

Blatt101: Point Shaving
Learn how to shave points and connect your sources to organised crime. 
Blatt 101: Advanced Point Shaving
(Blatt 101 required) Learn about the benefits of academic fraud and the hiring of strippers to shave points.
Blat 201 Slush Fund
Gain intimate knowledge on how to create a slush fund. Get trained by former Southern Methodist coach Bill Launder, who will tell you how to pay illegal cash bonuses to your players.
Blatt 301 False Accusations
Ever wanted to have your opposing team falsely accused of rape or other crimes? This course, prepared by experienced tutors, will show you how to use minors, strippers and even drug addicts to smear your opponent without you having to lift a finger.
Blatt 401 Universal Deflating

Our hand-on technicians will teach you how to falsely gauge pressure and deflate any ball, or sports gear, including pucks and shot puts before a competition. From Formula 1 to football lean all the tricks of the trade. This course is compulsory to graduate.
Match-fixing 601 (101 tba)
Ever wonder how 10 of the 12 disabled basketball players on the Spanish Para-Olympic team had no disability and went on to win the gold medal? This course will prepare you to rig a game, avoid suspensions and even shoot for the Hall of Fame.
Blatt 701 and 702
Blood Replacement, EPO and other drugs (Both 701 and 702 are essential to graduate)

(Advanced High School Biology and Chemistry courses required)
You will be taught by reputed scientists and doctors on how to make performance enhancing
cocktails that will avoid drug testing detection. Study the wonders of blood in sports and learn how to even use fake blood (bloodgate) to fake injuries and offer your player precious time to recover and get back on the field.
Referee buying
Avoid clumsy and irresponsible transactions when buying a referee. Learn the value of having political connections and even magistrates on your side Before you buy a ref. Avoid conspiracy charges and get rich quick by having booker bet millions on your matches.
Blatt 910 
Motorcycle and Car Racing Crashgate

Our experienced pilots will show you the value of crashing during a race all in the name of sportsmanship. Lose a tire, break a gasket or just crash into a wall. This course is taught with real motorcycles and cars.
Blatt 1001
Doctoring bats, javelins, and other sports equipment 

With this course you will learn how to cork a baseball or cricket bat, curling stones or even javelins. The instruction is hands-on and extremely valuable for any sports career.